Last week my 5 year old grandson, Terrell, accompanied me to the doctor.  A nurse gave him some candy and upon receiving it, he grinned from ear to ear.  I waited an acceptable period of time and then asked “What do you say?”  He finally said “thank you.” Once we were in the car, grandma reminded him that he should always “say thank you” when someone gives him something.  When we lose a loved one, we have a number of opportunities to express our gratitude for the things friends and family do for us. There are opportunities on the printed program, during the funeral ceremony, and after the service in the form of a thank you card. 

The written program for the traditional African-American funeral service often includes a picture, an order of service, and obituary, a list of pallbearers and an acknowledgement or statement of gratitude.  This is a general statement from the family that expresses appreciation “for all acts of kindness shown during their time of bereavement.”  Various wording is used, but the bottom line is that the family acknowledges and says thank you for anything that someone may have done for them in support: prepared a dish/meal, given them flowers, served as a pallbearer, donated towards the service, etc… 

The “order of service” often includes “Acknowledgement of Condolences.”  A family member or friend is asked to publicly acknowledge those who gave of themselves through thought or deed, to assist and support the family.   On behalf of the family a general acknowledgement is made, because there is not enough time in the ceremony to thank everyone individually for their kind deeds.  Often there is also a statement made such as “all acts of kindness will be acknowledged at a later date.” 

As is customary upon receiving most gifts, sending a thank you card is appropriate after the funeral service. This thank you card can be generic, thanking all for what they may have done, or it can be more specific, with a personalized note expressing appreciation for what you received.  An example of a popular generic expression is:

Perhaps you sent a lovely card,

Or sat quietly in a chair.

Perhaps you sent a floral piece,

If so we saw it there.

Perhaps you spoke the kindest words,

As any friend could say:

Perhaps you were not there at all,

Just thought of us that day.

Whatever you did to console our hearts,

We thank you so much

Whatever the part.

(Author unknown) 

In my opinion, thank you cards should be sent in an acceptable or reasonable period of time, such as 1-4 months.  Those you plan to send cards to, know that you have experienced a tremendous loss and will be patient. But people do want to know that you  received their gift. If you are having a difficult time getting thank you cards done, it is appropriate to ask a family member or friend to help you. Your Funeral Director should have a selection of specialized cards, just for this purpose.  

Sometimes people say “thank you” and feel that that is enough. Other people feel that “thank you” verbally or in the form of a card, isn’t quite enough and want to gift a person for their participation or support. There are a variety ways to “say thank you.” Whatever means you choose is appropriate, as long as it clearly communicates your heartfelt appreciation.

Gail Valentine Taylor, M.S.W.

Funeral Director

Woods-Valentine Mortuary

(626) 798-8941

gailt@woodsvalentinemortuary.com

The most difficult life event we experience is the loss of someone we love.  The sadness, the shock, the pain, the changes we are forced to make, are awfully burdensome.  “Stop the world I want to get off” is how I felt when I’ve lost beloved family members.  I didn’t want to think, work or do anything for a while.  Yet life goes on with its demands and expectations of you. 

I ran across a handout at a local hospital years ago entitled “Surviving The Loss Of One You Love”  (author unknown).  We give a copy of this handout to each family we serve at Woods-Valentine Mortuary.  It has blessed many by helping them know what to expect and what is normal.  I’d like to share it with you:

Surviving the loss of a loved one seems an impossible task, especially in the first few weeks following the death.  Grief and bereavement take their toll both emotionally and physically and for most survivors, there is a feeling that the process will never end.  The sadness and tears may feel overwhelming, the longing for the lost loved one impossible to bear.  But there can be recovery, by understanding what grief is and how one grieves.

It important to remember that grief is a process and everyone goes through it in different ways and recovers in their own time.  There is no specific answer to the question of how long such things will take.  They will take as long as you need, the pain will slowly diminish and life will eventually return to a more normal state.  Supportive friends and family members or professional help can ease the painful process, but no one can take all the pain away.  Emotional pain and sadness is a natural part of mourning and if it is faced openly can be dealt with effectively.

Grief is a difficult and painful process that begins the minute we understand that someone we love is dying.  That may be at the moment of a diagnosis or at the actual time of death.  Whenever it happens, usually the first reaction is shock or disbelief.  There can be a numbness and a feeling of unreality and time seems to move slowly.  You may not be able to concentrate or function effectively and will need support from family, friends, or clergy.  During this time, behavior may be erratic, feelings confused, sensations numbed, concentration poor and there will be a general feeling of unreality.  These feelings and inability to stay focused generally last until the funeral is over and friends and family slowly return to their regular routines.

During the first few months following a death, it is normal to experience a period of sadness and disorganization, with frequent tearful spells, thoughts of the deceased, possible loss of appetite and sleep disturbances.  There may be feelings of intense loneliness and a need for companionship.  There sometimes are feelings of anger and guilt which can be confusing and uncomfortable.  For many people there is a change in their health status.  You may feel fatigue, ill, with spells of dizziness, trembling, shortness of breath or chest pain.  It is important to check with your physician to determine the source of these symptoms.  If your doctor feels that these symptoms are related to mourning and grief, the physician may suggest some extra emotional support.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.  Take time for yourself.  Let your tears come as they may, and always remember, you will recover!

As believers in Christ we have the assurance that we will be comforted in times of loss.  We also have hope in Jesus and are aided by the knowledge that our dear departed  loved ones who had accepted the Lord are “in a better place.”  Eternal life is the prize for those who finish the race.

I trust this information will bless any of you who are trying to cope with the loss of a loved one. 

Gail Valentine Taylor, M.S.W.

Funeral Director

(626)798-8941

gailt@woodsvalentinemortuary.com

Have you ever been asked to be a pallbearer?  Those who have, consider it an honor and a privilege to be one of those chosen to bear (or carry) the casket of a dearly departed loved one.

Pallbearers are recognized for their heart as well as for their muscle.  It is important that they are emotionally mature, as well as physically strong. 

Choosing pallbearers for a loved one’s funeral is akin to selecting groomsmen for a wedding.  Traditionally, pallbearers have been men and they are usually best friends or close relatives of the deceased, such as a brother, son, grandson, nephew, fraternity brother, etc…However, a number of women have successfully played the role. 

The next-of-kin has an opportunity to name “active” as well as “honorary” pallbearers.  An active pallbearer assists others in carrying the casket, and therefore must be reasonably fit and able to bear considerable weight. In most cases, the pallbearers have to collectively bear over 300 lbs.; the weight of both the decedent and the casket.  Six pallbearers are the standard number needed to carry the casket, but eight or more are sometimes necessary.  An honorary pallbearer is one who is given special mention and recognition, but is not required to assist in carrying the casket.

This honorary status is reserved for friends or relatives who are elderly, who otherwise could not bear the weight, or for others not chosen to be among the active, first six. 

The funeral director provides pallbearers with white gloves and instructs them in what to do.  The traditional African-American funeral ceremony begins with the procession; with the minister and the pallbearers leading the family into the church or chapel.  They are reserved special seating and their names are listed in the memorial program.

Agreeing to be an active pallbearer is a commitment that requires one to be on time and to stay for the entire service and interment.

Pallbearers’ responsibilities may include assisting in carrying  the casket into the church or chapel for the service, as well as to the hearse for the journey to the cemetery.  At the cemetery they help carry the casket from the hearse to the burial site. 

Active pallbearers are also needed for graveside or cryptside services.  If the family can not provide any or enough pallbearers, the mortuary or cemetery staff are available to assist.  In instances where a memorial service is held and the decedent is not present, active pallbearers are not needed.  At these services, honorary pallbearers can be named in the program and given honorable mention. 

When someone dear to us dies, we want to do something to show we care for them and their family.  Serving as a pallbearer is a sure demonstration of love and support.

Happy New Year!  January is a month of fresh starts and new beginnings. It is a month of  planning, reviewing, assessing, decision making, and of making resolutions. Webster’s Dictionary defines a resolution as “a decision as to further action.”  Many people resolve to get organized, and to get their affairs in order. Others decree that they are going to save money, exercise, lose weight, read the Bible cover to cover, etc… It’s all good!  An important factor in whether or not you follow through on your resolutions, is your level of determination.  For those who are determined to get their affairs in order, there is no better time than now. 

When is the last time you reviewed your insurance coverages, those you have through your job and those you purchased privately? Do you know how much coverage you have and who the beneficiary is?  Did you remember to change the beneficiary after a loss?  Who are the beneficiaries or payees on your bank accounts in the event of your death?

Have you done your Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care? Have you done your Advanced Funeral Planning? If the answer is yes, have you reviewed it lately?  

In the area of Funeral Planning you can do as much or as little as you choose, but make sure you do something.  It benefits your family greatly, to at least have funds accessible for funeral services at the time of your passing. This can be accomplished via insurance or a savings account.  Make sure you list a responsible beneficiary on your insurance policy.  Savings accounts need to be set up so that someone can withdraw at least enough funds to pay for your funeral, within a few days of your passing. 

It is helpful to your family for you to have also selected your services and merchandise. Your wishes are recorded during the Advanced Planning process.  Your Funeral Counselor is the best person to guide you and there is usually no cost for such counseling.  Funeral Counselors inform you of your options and assist you in planning thoroughly. 

Funeral Counselors can help you in many ways.  We can also call your insurance company, Employer’s Benefits Department, the cemetery, etc…to get your affairs updated and in order.  It is important to record this information and make it available to your closest relative(s).  

While making resolutions to get your affairs in order, make a decision to take further action now.  Start off the year “taking care of business”, and bless your family tremendously.

Gail Valentine Taylor, M.S.W.

Funeral Director

Woods-Valentine Mortuary

(626) 798-8941

One of the concerns that both funeral directors and family members have when a death occurs, is securing the death certificate.  It is an important document that is issued by the  health department, in the Registrar District where the death occurred.  This may be a city or county office.  The death certificate is an document that verifies a person has passed away.  Once a death certificate is filed with the health department a Permit For Disposition is issued.  This permit is required before a person can be buried or cremated. Therefore, a timely filing is imperative. 

The death certificate is an official record filed with the county and state.  It has an engraved border that displays a seal and signature of the Registrar.  This record includes the deceased person’s name, address, date and place of birth, date and place of death, social security number, occupation, education, race, parents names and birth states, and informant or next of kin, among other items.  

Like a birth certificate, a doctor’s signature is required to verify the event.  The doctor also records the cause(s) of death, duration of illness, other conditions contributing to death and whether or not there was an operation performed for a condition related to the cause of death.  The funeral director contacts the doctor and coordinates obtaining the information needed and physician’s signature.  

In most cases a doctor signs the death certificate.  There are instances however, when the coroner must sign, such as when a person dies accidentally, is killed, or when a doctor can not attest to the cause of death.   The coroner does an examination and investigation, records the causes and signs the death certificate.  Also, if a person had not seen a doctor within six months of death the coroner must sign the death certificate. 

The death certificate is public record and anyone can obtain an “Informational Copy.”

Authorized Certified Certificates of Death are valid documents that “establish identity”

and are only available to close family, attorneys, funeral directors, and others, as per law.  Certified copies are required by banks, insurance companies, investment companies, attorneys and employers, etc… when there are affairs that need to be settled and assets that need to be disbursed.  

The funeral director asks the family how many death certificates are desired to handle the  business affairs, counsels the family in what they may need them for, and orders them.  Some families order one and others order as many as twenty or more, depending on the number of transactions that require a death certificate. As of October 1, 2007,  Los Angeles County  is participating in California’s Electronic Death Registration System.  Irma Vargas, Chief Deputy Registrar of the City of Pasadena Public Health Department, believes that “the new electronic filing system will make death certificates more accurate and streamline the process of filing.”  Hopefully, this will make death certificates available to families sooner. 

Death certificates are available at a current cost of $12.00 each. If death occurs in Pasadena, death certificates can be ordered through the City of Pasadena Health Department at 1845 N. Fair Oaks Ave.   If a death occurs outside of Pasadena, but in Los Angeles County, death certificates are available at The L.A. County Registrars Office, at 313 N. Figueroa St., Los Angeles, CA  90012. Phone (213) 240-7816 (up to three months after the death).  For deaths occurring more than three months prior, the death certificates can be ordered through L.A. County Recorders Office at 12400 E. Imperial Hwy., Norwalk, CA  90650. Phone (562) 462-2214.  Death certificates can be ordered in person or via the mail.  For deaths outside of Los Angeles County, contact the health department in the county where death occurred.  (626) 744-6052.

Gail Valentine Taylor, M.S.W.

Funeral Director

Woods-Valentine Mortuary

gailt@woodsvalentinemortuary.com

(626) 798-8941

Whenever there is an event to attend, the first questions asked are when will it be and where will it be held?  This is no different for a funeral service, as family, friends and co-workers need to plan, prepare, travel, take time off work, etc… in order to attend the service. 

Most funeral services take place within 4-7 days after one passes away.  But there are occasional circumstances where services can not take place for several days, or even weeks after the death. 

Consider the following:

The family may choose to delay the services due to another special family event such as a wedding, family reunion, etc...  

There is sometimes a challenge getting the death certificate signed by the doctor. The doctor can be out of town, or we may encounter difficulty finding a doctor who is willing to sign. (A death certificate has to be signed before interment can take place).

If the coroner is involved, an examination and investigation in required. This can delay services several days and even weeks, during peek times.

The minister or church is not available due to vacation or previously scheduled events.

Holiday closures can lead to delays.

Travel time it takes loved ones to get here from out of state or out of the country, can be lengthy.

Difficulty locating the legal next-of-kin can lead to a 7-10 day delay, at a minimum. 

All of these situations and more can necessitate having services postponed for longer than desired. 

Mortuaries make every effort to accommodate a family’s wishes.  However, scheduling conflicts, staff, equipment, merchandise and cemetery availability, etc..  can also prohibit services from being held on a desired date.  Before setting the date, consult with your Funeral Director re: the feasibility of the date you want.  

Once a loved one dies, close relatives or friends want to get there as soon as possible.  This is natural and understandable, but doing so before confirming the date of the service can create a problem.  Those who are on a time limit for any reason, such as having to return to work, or those who purchase a non-refundable round trip airplane ticket, can be at a disadvantage. The immediate family should inform significant others from out of town, to wait until the service date is set before making definite travel plans.   

In addition to the date, the time of the service needs to be coordinated with the mortuary.  A.M. funerals are often held to allow time for committal service at the graveside and repast.  But afternoon services are also possible, if the length of the service permits time to get to the cemetery by their deadline  (usually 3:00 or 3:30 p.m.). Factors to consider in setting the date and time are the availability of the church/minister/musicians, anticipated length of the service, the traffic, travel time to location of service/cemetery, etc… 

Memorial services, services where the deceased is not present, can be set for a.m. or p.m.   With memorial services, there is more flexibility re: setting the time. Wakes or special services (Sorority/Fraternity ceremonies) are traditionally held in the evening, the night before the funeral service.  

Now for the where of the service. The majority of services are held at a church, mortuary chapel or at the graveside/cryptside.  Memorial services can be held at a church or chapel, or in a variety of venues: in one’s living room, in the backyard of a home, at a park, event facility, at sea, etc... Burial at sea can be accompanied by a host of family and friends.  It takes place aboard a boat and includes a beautiful ceremony. In selecting the location of a service, family should consider the previously expressed wishes of the deceased, church affiliation, distance to facility/cemetery, etc.. 

The when and where of a funeral service is an important decision that the immediate family has to make.  The sooner these decisions are made, the sooner family and friends can make plans to attend.  Remember to consult with the mortuary re: the desired date, time and place, before giving that information out.  Many factors have to be taken into account.  

Gail Valentine Taylor, M.S.W.

Funeral Director

Woods-Valentine Mortuary

(626) 798-8941

gailt@woodsvalentinemortuary.com

Pre-Need Planning refers to any aspect of arranging, planning and funding one’s funeral before a death occurs.  Most mortuaries offer pre-need planning programs and an opportunity to pre-plan funeral services, burial or cremation.  There is no cost for the counseling involved in pre-planning. 

Many people, however, don’t realize the value of pre-planning until a death of a loved one occurs.  At that time family members must take on the responsibility of arranging for the funeral and paying for it.  They must gather needed information and make dozens of immediate and sometimes difficult decisions during a time of grief and emotional distress. 

More and more people are taking advantage of the opportunity to pre-plan, in order to: 

Personalize one’s services, deciding what they want and do not want in services

Control the costs of services and avoid spending too much or too little

Guarantee services, providing protection from inflation

Lessen the emotional and financial toll death takes on the family

Avoid family disagreements and conflicts, by making the decisions themselves, and

Gain peace of mind because you have prepared and your affairs are in order. 

Our experienced Pre-Need Planning Staff  (Vannie Brown, Janyce Valentine or myself) will explain all of your options, the laws, and funeral service protocol, to you and your family.  We can meet with you in the comfort of your home or at the offices of Woods-Valentine Mortuary.  We ask you to provide vital statistic and family information for the vital records and obituary.  We record the type of funeral service that you prefer, as well as your choice regarding visitation, burial, cremation and or shipment out of the state/country.  We provide information regarding merchandise such as caskets, urns, outer burial containers/vaults, programs, register books, burial garments, etc…  We also discuss securing certified certificates of death, placing newspaper notices, arranging for soloists, musicians, flowers, etc.  The choice is yours.  You are given copies of your selections and all of the information is placed in a confidential file at the mortuary. 

Special Pre-Need Plans are available through Woods-Valentine and other mortuaries that allow a person to make monthly payments for 3, 5, or 10 years.  A person can also pay in full at the time of prearranging, or fund a plan through existing life insurance policies that are assignable to the mortuary.  If you move out of the area, your plan is transferable.  

The good news about these plans is that no matter how funeral prices increase over the years, once you complete your payments, your funeral is paid in full.  These are called guaranteed plans.  The other good news is that people who have long-term or serious health problems, can get a plan, in most instances.  In these cases the amount payable upon death depends on when death occurs in relationship to date of application. 

Studies show that most people think that pre-need planning is a good idea, but many procrastinate.  Don’t keep putting it off.  Pre-need planning can save dollars and makes sense.  Ask us how!

Gail Valentine Taylor, M.S.W.

(626) 798-8941

Insurance Lic. # 0600403

FD-0582

2/11/2005