In her book, “I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings”, Maya Angelou writes “Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst.”  As a young woman reading this book, I loved the hope part, but had to learn that there was wisdom in being prepared for the worst too.  It doesn’t get much worse than death.  Are you prepared? 

Planning for a traditional funeral involves many of the same elements as planning for a major life event such as a special birthday, anniversary or a wedding.  A number of detailed decisions have to be made regarding the when, where, participants, music, programs, menu, flowers, clothing, transportation, etc…   The difference however is that you have months to plan for these events, while most funeral services are held within 4-7 days of one’s passing.

The stress that accompanies a loss is greater when a family is unprepared and all decisions have to be made in a matter of a few days.  The good news is that these decisions can be made in advance, through the Pre-Need planning process, and you can be prepared.  Pre-Need planning gives you the time and opportunity to:

gather vital statistic and family history information that is needed for the records,

make decisions regarding what you do and do not want in funeral services without duress,

discuss your options, choices, the laws, etc.. with a Funeral Service Professional and make informed, not emotional decisions, and

identify or establish the best way to pay for the services chosen. 

Pre-need planning reduces stress at time of need because the detailed and major decisions are already made, needed information is on file and the financial burden has been taken care of.   It is not surprising then that statistics indicate that 8 out of 10 people believe Pre-Need planning is a wise thing to do. 

If you are like most people, you have auto insurance, fire insurance, homeowners coverage, renter’s insurance, etc…  You’re prepared in the event of losses that may occur, but seldom do.  Why not then, get a plan for that which is inevitable?  

Tell your family and friends “I hope for the best and plan to live a long life, but I am prepared.  I have Pre-planned.” 

For more information on Pre-Need planning contact your local funeral director, or go to www.woodsvalentinemortuary.com  and click on Pre-Planning. 

When a loved one passes, a funeral is usually planned to acknowledge and celebrate the life the person lived. But another important decision needs to be made. In technical terms, what will be the disposition of the body?  Every society has to have a means to handle deceased human remains.  The choices we have are burial vs. cremation and the next of kin or of the person legally in charge of the funeral arrangements must decide.

Burial generally involves interment in a grave in a cemetery.  The grave must be opened (dug) and closed (backfilled), the grass and grounds around the grave are mowed and manicured (endowment care) and in California, an outer burial container such as a vault or a grave liner, is a requirement of the cemetery.  These are concrete containers that cover or encase the casket, add bulk to and maintain the integrity of the grave.  (Some cemeteries in states outside of California do not require an outer burial container).  There are cemetery charges for the grave itself, opening and closing, the outer burial container, the grave marker or headstone and placement of such, and an escort fee (at some cemeteries).  The escort fee is for a person to lead the procession to the gravesite, standby and oversee the committal or graveside service.  A flower vase at the gravesite, is usually also available, for a fee.

Entombment in a mausoleum or crypt, a concrete chamber, is another option available at most cemeteries.  This is also considered a burial.   There are costs for the space, opening and closing, the crypt plate (where the name of the deceased is placed), and endowment care.

Cremation is the process of incinerating human remains in a cremation chamber or retort.  It is a process that takes place at a licensed crematory and that takes approximately 2-3 hours.  Then there is a cooling period before the cremated remains are placed in an urn.  The family usually has the opportunity to witness the cremation, if they so choose.  And this is basically witnessing the placement of their loved one in the retort and remaining nearby during the process. 

Once a person is cremated a decision needs to be made re: what to do with the cremated remains?  Again, they are first placed in a container called an urn, chosen by the family.  Urns are available in a variety materials such as: marble, steel, wood, plastic, cardboard and stone. Necklace   pendants are also available in many shapes: hearts, crosses, sea shells, etc…  for small or partial amounts of the cremated remains. 

Once the cremated remains are placed in an urn there are many options available.  A family can take them home at no cost, have them placed in a niche or buried in a grave in a cemetery, buried at sea, or buried on private property with the written consent of the landowner.  Burial at sea, also known as scattering at sea, can be done privately by a company or by the family as long as the guidelines set by the state are followed.  California requires that burial at sea of cremated remains be done at least three miles off the coast.  If family wishes to be present for the burial at sea, companies that specialize in this service will take family and friends out to sea via boat, and perform a ceremony and the burial.  Now there is also an opportunity to scatter cremated remains at scattering lawns at some cemetery sites.

The cost of cremation is generally much less than that of burial, and the decision to cremate is sometimes driven by economic factors.   Family tradition, cultural practices, and religious beliefs also play a major role in the interment decision.  “What to choose?” is a personal decision.  Your funeral director is available to discuss these options in detail with you, as well as the cost associated with each.  Burial and cremation arrangements can be made in advance through a pre-need plan, just as a funeral can.  Contact your local funeral director for more information.  

Gail Valentine Taylor,

L.C.S.W. Funeral Director Woods-Valentine Mortuary

(626) 798-8941

gailt@woodsvalentinemortuary.com

If you are like me and you hear about burial at sea, you think of burial of a person’s ashes after they have been cremated.  That is the most common type of burial at sea, but it is not the only type.  Full body burial at sea is also an option.

I remember watching old movies where the Navy ceremoniously buried a soldier at sea.  I thought this was a thing of the past. But I was recently made aware that burial in the ocean of a body in a casket, is a legal alternative to burial in a cemetery or cremation today. 

A family can have a traditional funeral service with viewing, and then have their loved one’s full body, buried a sea.  In California, the body must be buried in approved Federal waters, at least three miles off the coast and in waters at least 600 feet deep.  There is a maritime cemetery in the ocean, approximately 6 miles south of Palos Verdes, which is specifically designated for this purpose.

Companies that provide this service must adhere to Federal, Coast Guard and Navy guidelines.  The casket must be made of metal or hard wood. Prior to the burial, holes must be bored into the casket and a 75 lb. weight added.   David Schaffner of Tribute Enterprises in Signal Hill, CA, provides this service and has specialized equipment on board the boat for the forwarding of the casket to the deep. Through Tribute Enterprises, one significant other can accompany the Captain on the boat and witness the burial.  If a group of family and friends wish to witness, then another boat can be rented for this purpose.  The family is given a beautiful certificate indicating the date and location (longitude and latitude) of the burial.

This is an option that is less expensive than burial in a traditional cemetery and an alternative to cremation.  The cost of burial in a traditional cemetery varies from $3200. -$8,000. or more depending on cemetery and location.  Burial of a full body at sea is available for around $2400.00.

Burial at sea of a full body can be considered a “green alternative.”   There is no traditional land usage, as in ground burial, and reportedly no significant energy usage or potential release of particles in the air, as with cremation.

For those that love the ocean and want an interment that can be considered “environmentally friendly,” full body burial at sea is an option worth exploring.

Gail Valentine Taylor, M.S.W.

Woods-Valentine Mortuary

(626) 798-8941

email: gailt@woodsvalentinemortuary.com

When most of us think of the colors of Christmas we think of red, green, white, gold and maybe silver.  I was reading “Our Daily Bread” recently and ran across the title “Blue Christmas.”  Blue is my favorite color and many people decorate in blues, but this title is not referring to the color, but the mood.  

When we are “blue” we experience feelings such as sadness, grief, despair, hopelessness and loneliness.  These feelings visit those who are ill, having family problems, financial worries, and especially those who are bereaved.  Facing Christmas and New Years without your beloved family member is difficult and very painful at best.  It is normal to feel “blue” under these circumstances and it is ok to cry, express your sadness and, or retreat into solitude, for a season.  

Regardless of how we feel, we need to maintain hope and know that “trouble don’t last always.”  It helps to believe that “this too will pass” and to take to heart the scripture that reads “weeping may endureth for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”  If you are feeling blue this Christmas, lean on your faith in God, family and friends.  

The following poem comforted me when my dear Uncle Cliff died and I felt “blue.” 

May the words of this poem give you hope.

 My First Christmas In Heaven

 I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below

With tiny lights, like Heaven’s stars reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

 I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,

But the sounds of music can’t compare with the Christmas Choir here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,

For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me; I see pain in your heart.

But I am not so far away, we really aren’t apart.

So be happy for me dear ones, you know I hold you dear.

And be glad I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift from my heavenly home above.

I sent you each a memory of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.

It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.

For I can’t count the blessings or love He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.

Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

Author Unknown

Gail Valentine Taylor, M.S.W.

Funeral Director/Co-Owner

Woods-Valentine Mortuary

(626) 798-8941

email: gailt@woodsvalentinemortuary.com

Can you afford to die?  This is an important question to ask yourself if you have loved ones.  First of all, those left behind will have to make arrangements and pay for your services and disposition, be it burial or cremation.  Most services take place within 4-7 days of one’s passing.  So immediately, adequate funds or assignable insurance is needed to go forth with services.  The cost of  arrangements vary from several hundred to several thousand dollars, depending of the type of service and disposition your family selects.  I have heard people say “let the county bury me.”  By law, a person’s legal next of kin is responsible for making funeral arrangements and for paying for them, unless they are indigent or can document that they have inadequate income.

If that is the case, then the county will cremate the person. 

So what position would your family be in if you stepped out of the picture?  Would they have adequate funds or insurance to take care of your services?  Many people have money in bank accounts that no one has immediate access to when they pass away.  It can take a minimum of 45 days before a family member has access to those funds.  Many people have insurance, but does your family know where the policy is, or the policy number or even the name of the insurance company?  Is your beneficiary an adult and accessible?  Sometimes people make minor children or incarcerated loved one’s beneficiaries, and this can cause significant delays in accessing the insurance for services.  Many of us are insured through our jobs.  What happens to your coverage when you resign, get laid off or retire?  These are important questions to ask because under some of these circumstances the insurance is terminated, greatly reduced or made available at significantly higher costs to you. 

Secondly, after the funeral is taken care of how would your passing effect the lifestyle of your family?  Would they be able to remain in your home or would they have to move?  Would your children be able to finish college or even afford to go to college?  Would your family be able to pay the car note or the existing bills?  Some people don’t think about these things, but it is wise to entertain them at least long enough to make some provisions. 

What to do?  

Pre-plan.  This is a good first step.  Decide what you want in funeral services and interment and make sure there are funds available to cover the costs today and in the future.  Guaranteed funeral plans offered by your local mortuary are good ways to accomplish this. 

Meet with family and decide what would be needed for them to carry on.  Locate and evaluate  your existing  insurance coverage and, or  explore additional insurance options.  Remember to choose your beneficiary wisely.

Meet with a probate attorney to discuss ways to set up your assets and financial affairs in the best interest of your immediate family. Wills and Living Trusts can be valuable documents to have.

Coping with the loss of a loved one emotionally, is very difficult in itself.  To have the immediate and long-term financial burden in addition, is added stress.  Most of us hope and plan to live long, quality lives.  We can still take the time to lessen the impact our passing would have on our family by being financially prepared.     

Gail Valentine Taylor, M.S.W.

Funeral Director 

(626) 798-8941

email: gailt@woodsvalentinemortuary.com

Cremation is an option that we all have when making decisions regarding the disposition of our body upon death.  It is the process of incinerating human remains in a cremation chamber known as a retort.  The alternative to cremation is burial, which involves interment in a grave or in a crypt (entombment). In considering cremation you have a number of choices: 

Direct Cremation is the simplest and least expensive option.  The decedent is removed from place of death, the death certificate is processed and filed and then the body is cremated.  There is typically no viewing of the remains and no funeral service.

Direct Cremation with a Memorial Service includes the above and a service.  There is no body present, no viewing, but all of the other elements of a funeral service takes place: prayer, scripture, a eulogy, musical selections, floral displays, programs, a repast afterwards, etc.. Cremation can take place before or after the funeral service, depending on whether or not the family wants the cremated remains or ashes present.  

The Traditional Funeral Service with Cremation is a full funeral service followed by cremation.  There is casketing and viewing of the body, a program, limousines, flowers, musicians, speakers, a repast, etc... Wood, Cloth covered or rental caskets are usually chosen when cremation is the disposition. At the end of the service, instead of proceeding to the cemetery for burial, the deceased is cremated.  

The cremation process takes about 1 ½ -3 hours. Then there is a cooling period before the ashes are placed in an urn. The family usually has an opportunity to witness the cremation, if they so choose.  

Urns are made out of a variety of materials such as marble, steel, bronze, plastic, and even cardboard.  Urns come in all shapes and sizes.  Clocks, picture frames, cars and other such items are available as urns. Necklace pendants in many shapes: hearts, crosses, sea shells, etc… are also available, for small or partial amounts of the ashes.  

Once the ashes are placed in an urn, a family can

1) take them home at no cost,

2) have them placed in a niche or buried in a grave at a cemetery (some niches have glass fronts, and pictures, mementos, etc. can be displayed with the urn),

3) have them scattered in a scattering lawn at a cemetery,

4) bury them on private property with the written consent of the land owner, or

5) bury at sea.  Burial at sea  can be done by a company or privately by the family, as long as the guidelines set by the state are followed.  California requires that burial at sea of cremated remains take place at least three miles off the coast.  If family wishes to be present for the burial at sea, companies that specialize in this service will take family and friends out to sea via boat, and perform a ceremony and the burial.   

The cost of cremation is less than that of burial, and therefore the decision to cremate is sometimes driven by financial factors. Whether to cremate or bury is a personal decision that is also influenced by religious beliefs, family tradition, and cultural practices.  Your funeral director is available to discuss these options in detail with you, as well as the cost associated with each. As with funeral arrangements and burial, you have the opportunity to pre-plan, make selections, and pay for cremation in advance.  Cremation is an option.

Gail Valentine Taylor, M.S.W.

Funeral Director

Woods-Valentine Mortuary

(626) 798-8941

gailt@woodsvalentinemortuary.com

The Jackson Five have a song on their Christmas album of yesteryear, titled “Christmas Won’t Be The Same This Year.”  Michael Jackson sings the solo and the lyric continues: “without her loving arms holding you so near.”   He is singing about a break up in a relationship, but the same sentiment rings true when we have lost a loved one in death. Christmas won’t be the same this year.  

The first Christmas after a loved one dies, is especially difficult.  It is normal to feel empty, sad and a longing for that person.  Who’s going to love you like he did? Who’s going to cook that special dish like she did?  Who’s going to laugh like only he could? Who’s going to hug you or smile, like only she could?  If during the season of joy and love, your heart is broken, how can Christmas be the same?  Christmas may not be the same this year, but it is still Christmas.  Don’t underestimate the power of the love that will be shown by other family and friends.  Trust God and know that He has promised to comfort you.  Share your memories and smile through your tears.  Reach out and comfort someone else who is hurting too.  

Allow yourself to acknowledge the pain, fear, guilt, the anger, or whatever you feel.  Even allow yourself to have a pity party if you need to, but do not dwell there. Reach out to someone who cares. Exercise your faith, and look up.  A touch, a word, a prayer, can make all the difference. Be patient with yourself and get sufficient rest.  Consider starting a new tradition in the memory of your loved one.     

Michael Jackson and his music were loved by millions of people around the world.  Images of his tearful, grief stricken fans were all over the TV and print media.  Many were quoted expressing how much they were going to miss him and his music.  People are still banning together to sing and dance to his music, etc… all to express their appreciation and to keep his memory alive.  Do something this Christmas to honor and celebrate the life of your dear departed. 

See next month’s article which includes a poem that has blessed many who are bereaved, titled “My First Christmas In Heaven.”

Gail Valentine Taylor, M.S. W.

Funeral Director/Co-Owner

Woods-Valentine Mortuary

(626) 798-8941

email:  gailt@woodsvalentinemortuary.com

The counselors at Woods-Valentine Mortuary give every family a handout titled “Surviving The Loss of One You Love.” (Author Unknown)  It is full of comforting information for those who have just experienced a loss.  It speaks to what is normal to feel at such a difficult time, and to the need be patient with yourself. 

I strongly believe that the following article will also be a blessing to the newly bereaved. 

“In the Beginning: The Gift of Spiritual Coping Tools” 

The early days of the grieving process are always difficult.  A wide variety of emotions overtake our lives when the process of coping with loss begins. It can be surprising when the initial period of loss is so confusing and painful.  In a spiritual sense, one can experience powerful adjustment periods that help the griever accept the fact of death.  These adjustment periods become gifts when viewed as spiritual tools rather than pain to be avoided. 

The Gift of Tears.    Persons who are grieving often find crying disturbing.  Many time. much effort goes into not showing the pain, as we judge tears and crying to be a sign of weakness.  “Adults don’t cry in public!” “Big boys (and men) don’t cry.”  “I wish I wasn’t so emotional!” “She’s holding up so well.”  These are merely a few ways that our society devalues the gift of tears.  It might be helpful if we understood tears are merely another form of language.  Tears are the first form of language that we used upon entering this world.  Only the heartless individual could ignore the cries of an infant or child.  In our adult life, we often shed tears when what we have to say is beyond the scope of ordinary language.  Maybe tears are God’s gift to us when we cannot  adequately express what we feel in our hearts.  

The Gift of Numbness. The initial days after a loss are filled with emotion and activity.  Describing this time as a “flood of emotions” is probably an oversimplification.  Feelings of loss, disbelief, anger, fear, guilt, loneliness, and anxiety are but a sampling of possible reactions.  This combination of emotion is just too much to understand and assimilate.  For most individuals, this period is like a spiritual tranquilizer.  In other words, God understands the limitations of the human heart and allows us the ability to “numb out” when the reality of loss is just too great for the moment.  This early gift of numbness enables us to get through the initial days.  As time begins to pass, each of these emotions will again appear when it is possible for us to deal with them. 

The Gift of Companionship.  One of the most important gifts bestowed upon those who grieve is the company of friends and family.  There is normally a genuine outpouring of love and support toward those who lose a love one.  Visitations at the funeral home and the family residence following a notification of death frequently surprise the bereaved.  Food and flowers are expressions of care and concern, attempting to meet basic needs for nurturing and support.  It is important to recognize this important spiritual support. 

Most people learn about the love of God through the expressions of loving people on earth.  If we ask, “Where is God when I am in so much pain?” the answer could be found in the visit, the phone call, the sympathy card, and yes, even the tenth meat tray or casserole.  Grieving individuals need to remember the visits and the offers of help and utilize them to bring spiritual consolation and support. 

Written by Sister Marilyn Welch, Protecting God’s Children

Gail Valentine Taylor, M. S.W.

Funeral Director

Woods-Valentine Mortuary

(626) 798-8941

email:  gailt@woodsvalentinemortuary.com

Did you see that movie? In it, for a period of time, no one dies.  We would all be pleasantly relieved if death would take a holiday, especially during the season to be jolly. There is no good time to lose a loved one, but for it to happen during the holidays is especially hard. When we are wanting and expected to be joyful, loving and giving, it is most difficult to have to bury a loved one.  I lost a dear  uncle in the month of December a few years ago, and the feelings of grief overshadowed the holiday spirit.  It is not abnormal at such a time to have a lack of energy and to feel depressed, sad, numb and many more emotions that darken your days.  And this at a time when you had planned to shop, cook, wrap gifts, go to parties, travel, enjoy time off, and make a joyful noise.   Even if your loved one died earlier in the year or at any time in the past, getting through Christmas and New Years can present a challenge.  What to do? 1) Lean on your faith and religious beliefs, and trust God to see you through.  Ask your pastor, church family and friends for prayer.  2) Take care of yourself.  Do not try to accomplish all that you would have if the loss had not occurred or the feelings of grief had not resurfaced. Give gift cards, or a rain check and shop later, if at all. Ask family and friends to cook, decorate, clean, or do anything that will help.  You need to be on the receiving end now.  3) Give something in memory of your loved one. 4) Remember the good times and bask in them. 5) Join a grief support group. Call your local mortuary, church or hospital for a referral. 6) Allow yourself time to heal.  7) Find a song or poem that gives you comfort. Enjoy and share it.  When my Uncle Cliff died, Aunt Jessie shared the following poem with me.  I share it with any of you who can relate to the above, with hopes that it will comfort you as it did me. 

                          By Gail Valentine Taylor

My First Christmas In Heaven 

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below

With tiny lights, like Heaven’s stars reflecting on the snow. 

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. 

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,

But the sounds of music can’t compare with the Christmas Choir here. 

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,

For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing. 

I know how much you miss me; I see pain in your heart.

But I am not so far away, we really aren’t apart. 

So be happy for me dear ones, you know I hold you dear.

And be glad I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. 

I sent you each a special gift from my heavenly home above.

I sent you each a memory of my undying love. 

After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.

It was always most important in the stories Jesus told. 

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.

For I can’t count the blessings or love He has for each of you. 

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.

Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

                           Author Unknown

“Words cannot express how I feel.”  We have all said this at one time or another.  That is how we often feel when someone we care about loses a loved one. Fortunately there are many other ways to express your sympathy. 

Sending flowers is among the most popular ways to say “I am sorry for your loss.” Beautiful bowl arrangements, standing floral sprays, or even plants send the message that you are thinking of the family in their time of bereavement.   It certainly gives families comfort to see the colorful array of flowers and plants sent from family, friends, neighbors, and co-workers.  It pleases the family to know that someone cared enough.

Another expression of sympathy comes in the form of delicious food dishes.  One of the last things we think about when we lose a loved one is cooking.  Sadness and grief deplete our energy and we often don’t even care to eat.  But we feel taken care of when family and friends bring prepared dishes for our family. Food and fellowship at such a time, can be very comforting.  Most families have a repast after the funeral service.  This a social gathering of family, friends and all who attend the  service. Lots of food is served and it is helpful when significant others bring food dishes for this gathering. 

A greeting card also expresses that you care.  It is a simple way of letting a bereaved family know that they are in your “thoughts and prayers.”  Those that can’t attend the funeral service because they have to work, live far away, etc..  can still send a message expressing their support, through a card.   Emailed expressions are becoming more common and there are even websites through which you can send your condolences to a family.

Viewing the remains and or attending the service is a traditional way to “show your respect” for the dear departed.  I have often heard a family say “they cared enough to come.”   I have also witnessed a family’s joy at such a time as this.  Some people that attend a funeral have to take off of work or travel great distances. Your attendance says “I love you” or “I truly care.”

A Church Resolution is sent to the immediate family when a person dies who has been a member of, or is in some way affiliated with a church.     This is a written document that formally acknowledges the person’s  service to God and the church, and includes a bereavement message to the family from the Pastor and the church members and comforting scripture.    The resolution is often read at the funeral service and a copy is placed in the minutes of the church.  The Resolution gives the family much needed spiritual support and encouragement.

There are additional ways to express your sympathy such as:  a monetary gift, a  gift of an item needed for the funeral services, such as programs, or a gift of your time to help send acknowledgement cards, etc…  All sincere and heartfelt expressions of sympathy are more than appreciated at a family’s time of loss.

Gail ValentineTaylor, M.S.W.

Woods-Valentine Mortuary

(626) 798-8941

Music has the capacity to move you, stir you and to lift your spirits.  Certain songs make you want to dance and others command our tears to flow.  At the funeral of a loved one, we are moved by songs that elicit good memories, stir up a variety of emotions and leave us with feelings of hope.   Music plays a major role on such a sad occasion.  It is important that it renders messages of comfort, joy and love. 

The songs that are played at funerals are specially chosen by the family.  They are sometimes the dear departed’s favorite songs.  African-Americans often select among the Spiritual and Gospel standards such as “I’ll Fly Away”, “Swing Low Sweet Chariot”, “The Last Mile of the Way,”  “Peace In The Valley,”  “Just A Closer Walk With Thee”,  “He Touched Me,” and my Grandma Effie’s favorite, “His Eye Is On The Sparrow.”   These songs all convey the message of hope in Christ; and this hope is your best comforter in times of grief. 

Our accomplished musician, Harold Bowen, has played and sung for funerals for over 35 years.  He too feels that it is important to convey a comforting message through the music.  Harold says “most people select traditional songs, the most popular being “Amazing Grace” and “Precious Lord.”  He does however, recognize a trend towards more contemporary selections and secular songs. 

Yvonne Fernandez can remember accompanying her mother to many a funeral.  Her mother was the church musician and was called upon often to play.  One of the songs most frequently sung was “God Will Take Care of You.”  Yvonne is also a musician and says that she likes funeral songs that “deliver the message of Salvation.”  She loves the song “Tomorrow” by the Winans, because it is “thought-provoking and shows you the way.” 

Sharon Barry has lost four loved ones in the last two years.  In times like these, she says she needs to hear music that “ministers to me; music that can get me through the grief; something that gives me comfort, hope, wisdom and direction.” She loves “Going Up Yonder”, “I Won’t Complain” and Yolanda  Adams songs, “Going Through The Storm” and “The Battle is Not Yours.” 

Hallie Humdy, a long-time Pasadena resident, prefers “upbeat and uplifting” funeral songs such as “Blessed Assurance”, “How Great Thou Art” and “I’m Free.”  She feels that music selected for funeral services should “make the family feel good and not make them sadder.” Uplifting songs are consistent with a funeral service being a “celebration” of one’s life and confirm our faith that our loved one is “in a better place.” 

Secular songs are sometimes requested for funeral services. Songs like  “My Way”, “My Buddy” and more recently, Luther Vandross’ “Dance With My Father Again.”  These songs may be chosen because they are the departed’s favorite songs or because they reflect one’s personality or experience.  Secular songs generally have to be approved by the Minister/Officiant, and are oftentimes disallowed or discouraged. 

As a part of my pre-need planning arrangements I have listed the songs I want played at my funeral.  They are “God Has Smiled On Me”, “Come Ye Disconsolate” and “In The Garden.” I selected these songs in hopes that they would comfort my dear family and friends at that time.  What songs would you choose? 

Gail Valentine Taylor, M.S.W.

Funeral Director

Woods-Valentine Mortuary

(626) 798-8941

gailt@woodsvalentinemortuary.com

As I reflect on our 75th Anniversary Celebration at Woods-Valentine Mortuary held on December 14, 2003, I visualize the dozens of beautiful red poinsettias that lined the entrance  to the mortuary.  Pampered Lady Florist created magnificent arrangements of flowers for the stage and food tables.  Fellow businesses and friends sent spectacular and colorful floral arrays and plants.  Over sixty hostesses dressed in red, guided the tour of our redecorated facility and were adorned like beautiful roses.  We are still receiving cards and calls from people expressing their congratulations and appreciation.  I am thankful that my parents, Fred and Arzella Valentine, are being given their flowers while they live. 

As we celebrate Valentine’s Day, a season of love, remember to have a heart.  Take time to say I love you and to demonstrate that love. I often tell my children “what you say is important, but what you do speaks volumes.”  Words can be empty if there is no action to back them up.  I am sometimes amazed at the reaction of others when I give them a gift.  No matter how small the gift, we all feel valued and special when someone gives us something.   

At funerals, some families receive many beautiful baskets of flowers and plants.

The cards express love and sentiments such as “you are in our thoughts and prayers.”  The flowers are a tribute to how well thought of the person who passed on was, but did that person know that.  Occasionally I hear regrets: “I wish I had said I love you”, “I wish I had called right away when I heard he was sick”, or “I kept meaning to visit her in the nursing home.”  I have heard families say “they are here now, but where were they when he was sick.”  We are so busy that we sometimes forget to take time out for those we love and care about.  Our schedules are so full that it is easy to put something, or in this case, someone on the back burner.  

Too often people experience unnecessary guilt and sadness over what they wish they had done for a loved one.  This guilt intensifies the grief that we feel when the person passes away.  Since tomorrow is not promised, act now, during this season of love.  Give them their flowers while they live.

Gail Valentine Taylor, M.S.W.

Funeral Director,  Notary Public

(626) 798-8941

The death of a close family member is one of the most stressful events a person can experience. Grief, sadness, frustration, heightened anxiety and anger are commonplace.  Some describe feelings of shock, depression, confusion and a myriad of other disturbing emotions.  The impact that a loss has on an individual and a family, as a whole, can be devastating.  While experiencing these emotions family members are expected to make funeral arrangements, financial and other decisions and entertain or be cordial to family and friends who come around to express their grief and hopefully, provide support.  Funerals bring out the best in families and the worst in families, because our emotions are so raw and acute at the time of loss.  This time can be a breeding ground for family feuds. 

The loss of a loved one brings a family together to make decisions and plan a meaningful memorial for their dear departed.  The immediate next-of-kin, is legally responsible for and entitled to make the funeral arrangements. (Exception: Any person who is appointed an agent under an Advanced Directive, supercedes  the next-of-kin). But oftentimes, adult children, siblings, in-laws, cousins, parents, step-children, etc.  want to participate and have a say in the planning.  For example, a woman loses her husband and his mother and siblings ask or expect to accompany her to the funeral home to make arrangements.  Or a married woman with adult children from a prior marriage dies and her children expect to have a say in her funeral arrangements. This is well and good as long as they all get along and have a good measure of respect for each other.    A problem presents when there are pre-existing conflicts and, or the person in charge makes a decision that other family members disagree with. 

I participated in a seminar recently on getting one’s affairs in order.  An attorney was one of the speakers and shared that major disagreements are not necessarily the exception, once a person dies.  The question of what I am entitled to do or have, related to the deceased person’s affairs and assets can be a spark that ignites a huge fire.  This stress is a horrible add-on for a family just trying to get through the next day and cope with the tremendous pain they are feeling.  

Let’s consider some strategies that may be helpful in avoiding a family feud:

1) Pray without ceasing, 2) Agree to table all conflicts until after the funeral, hopefully weeks after, 3) Recognize that you are not the only one who loved the deceased person, and try to compromise and make concessions, 4) Bring a neutral and respected mediator into the picture, such as a Pastor, to help keep the peace, 5) Think of how the deceased loved one would feel about such strife or think of the impact the feud will have on the children watching, 6) Maintain a safe distance to avoid conflicts, and last but not least, 7) Pre-plan your funeral arrangements and 8) Do your Estate Planning. These last two opportunities allow you to make decisions while you are living, so that there is nothing major that those left behind have to agree to or can fight over. 

On the TV game show “Family Feud,” somebody always wins. When a loved one dies and a family feud surfaces, everyone loses. Emotions among family members run deep. We should all count the cost of feuding during such a difficult time, and choose the better path.

Gail Valentine Taylor, M.S.W.

Funeral Director

Woods-Valentine Mortuary

(626) 709-8941

gailt@woodsvalentinemortuary.com

Thanksgiving is a wonderful time to enjoy the gift of family and friends.  We will laugh, play, eat well and give thanks.  All holidays bring families together to celebrate love, while they also present an opportunity to discuss family matters and to plan ahead.  We plan weddings, reunions, baby showers, special anniversary and birthday parties and the like.  One event we also plan as a family is the funeral of a loved one.  When we face the fact that death is an inevitable event in our lives, we are more likely to be prepared.  This article uses the titles (in italics) of well-known television shows to get an important message across. 

We all have one life to live and we will hopefully have lots of good times. We look forward to happy days but we should know that the days of our lives are numbered.  Unless we leave here without a trace, meaning we are raptured first, we are going to die.  Some of you have heard the saying  “Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die.” Know that there is Good News for the believer. Those who are saved are appointed once to die, but will live forever through Jesus Christ.    

If you have family ties and friends, you put them in a difficult position when you pass away without insurance or money set aside for your funeral services.  I have heard too many people say “My family can take care of my funeral and I don’t care what they do with me.”  Well they care.  And what ever they do, even the least expensive service, costs money. News flash! Nobody wants to have to pay to bury you, when you could have been prepared.  If family matters to you, don’t leave that burden on them.  Husbands, don’t leave your wives desperate housewives; not having funds to bury you and to live the lifestyle they have been accustomed to. Wives, don’t leave your husbands lost, wondering “what do I do now?”  

There is a fear factor that has to be overcome when we begin to talk about our death or the death of a loved one. The bible says without faith it is impossible to please Him. We need to take the quantum leap and have faith that God will keep us until our appointed time, and know that He makes no mistakes.  

All in the family need to take heed and begin to prepare. If you would step out of the picture, who would be your survivor?  There is a law and order in funeral service and the funeral director needs to determine who’s the boss?  In most cases the person that is your immediate next of kin is the person that is in charge of your funeral.  That person is financially responsible for your service. Unless he or she is indigent or can prove they have very little income, the burden is on them.  The person in charge is not always the person that has funds to pay for the funeral, which can lead to a family feud.  

Your local funeral director can be a guiding light to help you to get prepared.  Pre-Need planning takes about 60 minutes.  A qualified counselor  can sit down with you and show you how to get a plan in place. To be sure the price is right feel free to call mortuaries to compare.  To tell the truth, you do not have to leave your family in jeopardy. You can make affordable monthly payments towards your services through pre-need plans that grow in interest. So, if your family matters to you, handle your business. Cheers!

Gail Valentine Taylor

Funeral Director

Woods-Valentine Mortuary

(626) 798-8941

www.gailt@woodsvalentinemortuary.com

Funeral  industry research indicates that families that go to a mortuary to make funeral arrangements for the first time have three fears: 1) “Seeing a dead body”, 2) Being taken advantage of , and 3) Entering the casket room.  The mortuary you choose should be mindful of these concerns and conduct business  in such  a way as to greatly reduce or alleviate these fears.  Let’s explore this further.

“Seeing a dead body” is certainly upsetting to most people.  When you arrive at the mortuary to make arrangements you will be escorted to a family conference room.  You should not be taken into any room where there is a deceased person.  When the mortuary takes a decedent into their care, they are placed in the embalming room or in a thermal reduction (refrigeration) unit.  These facilities are usually in locked areas that are out of site of the public.  If a deceased person is being viewed on the day you go to the mortuary, the viewing takes place in a slumber room or chapel .  You should not encounter a “dead body” unexpectedly. 

The media has depicted Funeral Directors comically and, or as crooks for many years.  There are unscrupulous people in every industry, but funeral directors by and large, serve their community with integrity, sincerity and compassion.  If you are not familiar with a mortuary, ask a neighbor or long time resident of the community about the reputation of the funeral home.  People do business with people they know and trust.

The mortuary staff is there to give you guidance in making decisions, and not to take advantage of you.  You should be informed of your choices, options, legal requirements, etc… and then left to make your selections.  It is your loved one, and your decision to plan the type of funeral service you desire and are comfortable with.  People are understandably emotional, sad, anxious, etc… when they make funeral  arrangements .  So it is a good idea to bring family members or friends to give you support.  You can also call in advance to ask questions about the funeral planning process, options, costs, etc… and address any concerns or fears out front.     

Selecting a casket for a loved one is far from a pleasant experience.  You can avoid “entering the casket room” to do so, by looking at pictures in a book or online.  But a newer trend in merchandising addresses this fear. We at Woods-Valentine, as well as other mortuaries, no longer have full caskets on display.  We now have  sections of caskets(quarter cuts) arranged in a good, better, best fashion, so you can clearly see the design, quality, special features and cost.  A picture of the full casket and a sample of the interior material is also displayed.  Feedback from families is unanimous.  It is alot less stressful to select from the sectional models than from full caskets.

Fear not! The staff at Woods-Valentine Mortuary and of other mortuaries, know your concerns and fears.  We make every effort to make you comfortable and to assure you that we are here to serve you, according to your needs and wishes.  It is our aim to be worthy of your confidence.           

Gail Valentine Taylor, M.S.W.

Woods-Valentine Mortuary

1455 N. Fair Oaks Ave.

(626) 798-8941

gailt@woodsvalentinemortuary.com